40K Versus Pokemon

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Sgt Dellius

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Quick Reference:
 Chapter 1 - The Wise assess the threat
 Chapter 2 - The Flashback to 2006
 Chapter 3 - The Hunt For the Avatar
 Chapter 4 - The Search for the Kill-Team
 Chapter 5 - Meanwhile, elsewhere
 Chapter 6 - Keifer Sutherland and Kais, eat yer hearts out!
 Chapter 7 - The Bum of all Fears
 Chapter 8 - Final Fantasy my A**e!
 Chapter 9 - Treachery
 Chapter 10 - We Meet at last Mr Del
 Authors Note
 40k vs. Pokemon- the DELeted scenes!


By Some bloke fae a fake uni
For years, Humanity has yearned to destroy the sun. They did the next best thing, however, and promptly invented numerous ways to destroy each other. When War became an uneconomical method of entertainment and population control in 1950's, humankind needed something to turn to. America tried Vietnam, but nobody else joined in. The USSR tried Afghanistan, but to no avail. Argentina and Britain even tried the Falklands, but then again, the two Bigger nations slagged the smaller one with nukes for not using them.
Eventually, come Gulf War 1, humanity realised that, whislt modern war did not have the passion of the game in the early years, it was big business. Divisions were transferred between nations for huge fees, the SAS got a sponsorship deal with pepsi, and humankinds beautiful game became televised.
Sadly, JFK's 'execution order' in 1962 aimed at removing hippies from the face of the earth, failed, and many of those hippies had kids (despite constant break-ins to labs containing various methods of instant radioactive impotence) who became Hippies themselves, but the modern hippie is now a 'Protestor'. Not a Protestant, that's a type of Christian. Or a Catholic, that's another kind of Christian. Or a Shi'ite, that's a kind of Muslim.
Sadly, the original hippies were TV executives now, and so, the fun cartoons of the cold war were phased out, Even Action Man was forced into using only net-guns (ironically, however, Barbie still had a .22 revolver in the glove compartment in case of carjacking's . However, they took Ken's .45 away.)
Humankinds Kids, deprived of watching others commit violent acts against other human beings, revolted. When the kids in America became teenagers, they promptly shot up their schools. In Britain, they merely began hurling racist abuse at asylum seekers. But in Japan, that was not the case. That nation had been collectively mentally disturbed since 1945, so their kids were allowed to watch violent TV. But President Clinton looked at Japan, and tried to figure out a way to stop all of this killing, violence, and the fact kids were buying more and more Microsoft products in America, and he found a simple solution. Perhaps the hippies wouldn't mind if the violence was aimed at animals. After a Pay-Per-View foxhunt led to a five-day riot, Clinton rephrased his statement, to have violence against FICTIONAL animals, with humans running around with the potential for injury to keep the kids in suspense of possibly seeing their first KIA.
Nintendo Stepped in , with Pokemon. The Kids lapped it up. Some adults did too, but the Wargaming community, and the Anime community, was horrified. The former was getting mugged on the way home for any pokemon cards they may have had, despite only having a box of Imperial Guardsmen. The Latters reputation was ruined. No Longer could 'Otakus' speak of their hobby without some smart alec saying 'oh, Pokemon.'
Fortunately, along came Dragonball Z, Monster Rancher, digimon, and all the usual suspects (cough cough Fox TV, Microsoft and AOL Time Warner splutter) intent on making a fast buck, inadvertedly self-destructing the market, and allowing Harry Potter to step in, with his acceptable levels of violence, aimed funnily enough, at.. Some bloke who killed his dog or something. As did LOtR, with its even more acceptable violence against non-cute monsters (unless you think uruk-hai are cute). And Spider-Man too. In 2003, western kids were watching western programmes and films once more, but for wargamers and anime fans, the damage took many years to heal.
Even more unfortunately, Many fads, like bad rashes, keep coming back (yo-yos anyone?) Luckily, a coven of shifty nutters literally wiped kiddies anime of the face of the earth in 2006, but that's another story. Parts of which are in excerpts here.
But , like some sort of Lord Of The Rings rip-off, the kiddies anime waited until they ahd enough power to burst back into the universe. Happily, in the 41st millenium, when humans are now directing violence at aliens and the like, and getting bored of it.
Och Aye, if you people who own Pokemon and all the usual suspects try to sue me, sue your fansites first. My God, whilst I was researching this all I found was inane rubbish! At least this has purpose. Namely, REVENGE!! Oh, and theres people out there who merely kill your characters for the sake of killing them .this is comedy. And who am I talking to? Its art dammit! Sectioning me denies the masses freedom..- Professor David G. Mactavish, University of Feegi Park, BsC, PhD, BbC, FbI, Mi5
40k Vs Pokemon ( AKA Madness 40,000)
Prologue - The Threat
Imagine the universe. Nice isn't it? But there are monstrous creatures who wish to kill us, wish the death of humanity, wish everything that lives to die.
The C'tan say "its our lunch-break, don't look at us!"
Khorne, Nurgle, Tzzentch and Slaanesh all say "Us? Wipe out life? What would we do then?"
And so now you think the C'tan are lying, don't you? But it could be the Eldar, right
"Nah mate, if we killed everything, who could we take the pi.. Michael out of?"
The Orks?
"Nah, boss, we too stoopid."
The Squats?
"We're bitter at GW Definition: Games Workshopkilling us off, but not THAT bitter."
The 'Nids?
"Scree .. Rarrgh .. Hiss .. Roar .. Scree .. nibbles" which translates as 'if we killed everything, what would we eat?'
The Tau?
"No way! Why would we kill everyone? That wouldn't be polite, and the greater good states that .. Blah, blah, blah, don't be bad, m'kay?" yeah , whatever.
Humanity? Well, certainly, humanity is partly to blame for the existence of the threat. Indeed, it was a human (Bill Clinton- I said so in the foreword) who caused the birth of these things - I say things as they are not daemons, yet not any living normal biological things are they. You know what they are, and you cannot utter the name of .. Of.. Aw forget it, to the non-italics bit of the prologue!.
The man was walking. This is obvious, as he was putting one leg out in front of the other, and his foot was not striking anything[this would be 'administering a kicking in the name of The Emperor'] when suddenly.
the cry of the beast rang forth from the bushes
The man screams. He runs. He comes to a small arms bunker. within, there is a Lascannon, an Autopistol, a Chainsword, a Bolter, and a copy of Codex: Imperial Guard. He picks up the codex, and flees as the beast gets closer. He hits it a few times with the codex, and the beast attacks. Injured, the man limps to a crossroads. One arrow points
< - - - 100 Cadian Shock Troops this way to assist you.
And another points
A large minefield those 100 troops planted, just to see what way you decide to go now you know ones a minefield. - - ->
He chooses the minefield . His Death catches him as he navigates his way through. Its terrible cry echoes throughout the Cadian hills.
Then it steps on a mine. The noise of the blast echoes throughout the Cadian hills also, but its more popular than the cry of the beast.
This is the effect of the noise that rang over Cadia's hills..
"Pik-BOOOOOOOOOOM!- deddle-de-de-diddle-de-de!" the terrible noise of a mobile phone going of. Should the universe end, and all of life be destroyed, there willstillbe the ring of some Gits cell phone, even as the dust settles...

Chapter 1 -The Wise assess the threat.and Ghazghull's there too.

The Emperor's palace, 23 Willow Road, Lenton, England, Great Britain, Europe, Terra, The Galaxy, The Universe, reality. (long address huh?. If you would like to contact the emperor, e-mail to the_big_guy@theguildedcludgie.com )
The Emperor looked at the Images that Inquisitor Ivgotacamra had taken on Cadia. They were definitely very.. Interesting. He was sure he could see a butterfly in one of the big red stains on the side of the mountain. Then he remembered- this is an image of a .. dare I think it?.. Yes, I'm the Emperor, I'm allowed, dammit! An image of.. A Pikachu spread over a very wide area. Possibly due to all of the mine-craters around it.. Anyway. He then went to the most important room in the building. The Toilet (if you had been unconscious for over 10,000 years you would be bursting too!) then , after he washed his hands, he went to the conference room.
Inside, there was Farseer Eldrad Ulthran, and Aun'shi, of the Tau. In fact, wise men and bugs and other thingies with more legs and arms that teeth from every major race in 40k and even the wisest of the Squats, who were still miffed at not being in 40k, were there to discuss the threat. But no one let the space wolves sit on the furniture. And the C'tan seemed to be ignoring everyone
"Gentlemen, Bugs and.. Short people. We have all seen the images.." The Emperor said, but an Ork interrupted
"I ain't seen dem boss!" it moaned. It was shown the images.
"Hmm. Da thurd wunz like a flutterbye."
"You mean a butterfly?"
"Dats da bugga!!"
"Right. Onto business. We all know what it means -someone tell the Ork's so I can keep talking, thank you,- and we all know what we must do-as before fellas- to defeat them. We must assemble a fellowship of the.wrong film, crap. We must find The Led , only he can save us . no, still the wrong film, that's the Matrix spoof. Dammit, I knew what film it was a minute ago."
A scriptwriter appeared
"It's a semi-original story, M'Lord. " FarseerDel pointed out
"Is it? Really? Cheers Del. Anyway,. what's my next line?" asked The Emperor.
"-ahem- 'Very well gentlemen..'"
"I know it now. Very well gentlemen, what shall we do to defend from this threat? The board is open for debate. No Spamming please.
Gazghukll Thraka Suggested a UPC accident.
Aun'Shi put forth an idea involving a railgun,a map of Iraq, and a size 7 Nike trainer.
Lord Calgar suggested that the beasts be flushed down the toilet, like they had done to power rangers.
"Yes, Lord Calgar, but it was a bit of a begger to get the red ranger out of the U-Bend. Empe-oh, wait, that's me isn't it?- only knows what effect putting an electric rodent down a bog will have. Water conducts electricity, after all.."
"Actually, from a chemists point of view.." pointed out an adept. But the Emperor dismissed the adepts rant, saying "Me in charge you not live with it or naughty adept get sack. Work in discount store. Not afford Internet connection. Have to sell car to pay bills. Wife leave, take kids, become alcoholic, die in fiery car crash. You, not wife and kids."
Eventually, the idea came from Eldrad. Eldrad suggested that the greatest slayer of Pokemon ever be brought back to life. He suggested they find his reincarnated form immediately.
"But.. who was he?" the whole audience asked
"Well, I can show you with this Flashback Machine.."
Eldrad then activated the flashback machine, and the flashback played. It was 2006..
And the great crusade against the Japanese filth was underway.

Chapter 2 - The Flashback to 2006

The screen focused on a warrior in a black and white football jersey. The warrior held a rifle, but before anything happened, it showed the reasons for why he was the greatest killer of Pokemon of all time..
"WHY DID THEY TAKE THE DIORAMA AWAY? Namely that one at Braehead that had a commissar using a Bolt Pistol to blow out the brains of Pikachu.." said Confusus
"SHTOP! SHTOP! If you name names, the Men in Suits can sue. Refer to them as X-Rays or not directly by name, for instance, the pillock with lots of hair- this isn't specific, at least 45% of Anime characters could be classed as 'pillocks with lots of hair'" said King Barmyblerk
"how come in his own book, he doesn't show for like, a page, then he just spring sup here during the first conversation? " asked SMW .
And here , in this time, with the joke of a lawsuit hanging above their heads, they indeed called them[x-rays]. But the forces of good did not just face pokemon then..
"whit WIS the diorama again?"
"it wis the wan wi a Commissar shooting an electric rat in the heid"
the great anti-Japanese rubbish crusade of 2006 had been launched in memory of a diorama in GW Definition: Games WorkshopBraehead that the managers of the Centre had forced to be taken away. In it, A commissar slayed Pikachu. Little did the management of the shopping centre know that having it removed would cause the SaintMirrenWarrior to begin his quest to defeat the[x-rays], a generic term for all poorly-animated Japanese cartoons, from Pokemon to Dragonball Z
New York City, The United States of America
"AAAAAAAAAIEEE! Diedieididiediedie! " cried Dave, an SAS marksman. Currently, he was bouncing up and on the head of an[x-ray] and shooting other[x-rays]
"Ow! Ow!" said[x-ray male #003 with squashed head]
A large group of[x-rays] fled into central park, where four space marines with flamers greeted them..
"BURN IN RIGHTEOUS FLAME!" they cried. The[x-rays] cried briefly when they saw the marines too.
"EARGH! FIRE HOT!" said an[x-ray] with poor lip-synching
"Duh" said the lead Marine, as they drew their swords and shot the[x-rays]
A greater daemon of Khorne, called Jim then appeared. A lesser daemon of slipknot also appeared.
"Blood for the Blood god!" cried the greater daemon, but, what it really said was "Rarrrgh!"
yes, allies from the future had been brought back in secret to assist. But the technology had been used too much, so could not be used to find SMW in the past. Besides, he was of 2006, and of the madness! Universe. What Humanity needs is his avatar today, the SMW of the 40k universe.. The crusade of 2006 had been won, but at a price.
The allies then proceeded to the Eiffel tower, where an[x-ray] had a very large robot.
"HAHAHAHA! You don't have anything that can defeat this, you western gits!"
"**I BEG TO DIFFER**" said the vox-casters of the Warlord Titan "**YOU'RE GEOGRAPHY**"
"Don't you mean history?" asked the[x-ray robot]
"Aw P**h!" said the[x-ray robot]
The Volcano cannon shot tore the 'bot in two, and collapsed the Eiffel tower onto the[x-ray] ground army in a flurry of garlic, chunks of iron and fur.
"Nice One Big Man!" SMW said
don't forget the Tokyo tower either.
As they followed, they noticed[x-ray #2] was about to get onto a helicopter. They gunned down the[x-ray] guards, but for effect, their bullets merely bounced off the helicopters door. As the helicopter lifted off, Jetbikes ,Land Speeders and Apache Gunship's appeared. The SaintMirrenWarrior and the SAS marksman hopped onto two conveniently-placed Jetbikes, and gave chase. They managed to wing the chopper, and it crashed into the Tokyo Tower.
"Hey, now all we need to do is flatten the Blackpool tower and we hit the whole set!" Dave said.
As[x-ray # 2]fled to within the Tower, he yelled at the Crusaders
"Ha! This towers a spaceship! There's nothing you can do to stop me!" he yelled, as the tower indeed lifted off, the helicopter crashing down to the ground.
"Nothing WE can do, certainly." Said SMW "But the Imperial Navy however.."
[x-ray # 2] looked up at the sky, and at the Lance shots that tore the Spaceship he was aboard to fiery ribbons of iron and molten steel.
I liked that bit. But the aftermath of the crusade saw..
The Tokyo and Eiffel towers were rebuilt, but, due to a mix-up, in the wrong cities. Sidney City Council is extremely anxious to get the Eiffel tower off of their bridge, but the people of New York have grown attached to Lady Liberty's new hat, and will build Tokyo another one. Eventually. The Neds who rebuilt the two towers are adamant no one told them where they were supposed to go, and , as the Tokyo tower looked a bit like a traffic cone, they just couldn't resist it.
SMW used the huge amounts of money the[x-rays] had made on their cheap tat to buy a season ticket for love street. He also bought the best players on the earth for St. Mirren, and he also bought Saints way into the English Premiership. Where, having bought up the best players, he yelled 'Now you know how it feels!' along with the supporters of the other Scottish teams 'Mon a' scots clubs!".
and now the longest chapter in the story so far consist of excerpts form another tale that wasn't 100% 40k. I hope you're happy, FarseerDel (yes, I am actually, it made writing this chapter easier!!)
(Excerpts from crusade, Book Two of the Madness of King Barmyblerk written by me, who also wrote this too, so I didn't need to ask permission. )

Chapter 3 - The Hunt For the Avatar

"Yes.. Its fine and dandy checking ancient history, but where can we find the Avatar of SMW now? How will we be able to tell who he is?" asked Lord Calgar
Just then the scriptwriter blundered into view.. The first to make the connection was Eldrad
"Del.. What are you?"
"Me?" Asked Del "Why, I'm an online alias for the writer of This, and crusade, but on EO and tauonline. And Factory Floor, and the gamers place."
"And.. What was SMW?" Eldrad prompted
"Err.. an online alias for the writer of This, and crusade, but on saintmirren.net? Oh, and EO over Easter of 2003?"
"So, could you argue that, by some slight chance, you may be SMW's avatar?"
"Umm.. SMW didn't have an avatar, ye see, the writer of this tale, one person, didn't like any of the avatars available on the St. Mirren site, and his brother converted his Eldar Avatar model into an Inquisitor Eldar Warlock." rambled Del
"No, genius! We mean, you're the SMW of the 40k universe, the slayer of Pokemon, the saviour of humanity from the foul Pokemon. " Calgar said.
"Cool. But what about the kill-team?"
"Yes, SMW's allies.. Dave the SAS Marksman, MadMan, King Barmyblerk.. Who knows who your kill-team shall be? We shall find them later. "Eldrad explained. Despite being basically me, Del is slow on the uptake, as it takes a while on a dial-up connection for the message to load. I wish I had broadband.
"Err, but we only have 48 hours before the Pokemon are fully reborn from a new Eye of Stupidity." the Emperor pointed out
"WHAT?!" yelled all.
"45, actually, maybe I should have called this meeting earlier.."
"Damnation! Okay.. One of us trains Del, while the rest of us start to hunt why the Pokemon are returning." Calgar said. It was done.
The Imperial Fleet, a few hours later
"Sir. We have a report of a cult on the planet below. Is it possible a huge cult may be trying to revive pokemon?" asked a space marine
"Yes.." said Calgar
The Ultramarines boarded their drop pods, and went to the surface of the planet, where they found a cult, not to revive pokemon, but of GavHaters. The Marines decided to leave these good people alone, but their cult demagogue was an expert on cults in general, so he and Calgar had a nice little 'chat' .. well, by chat, Calgar meant he would listen on account of having a cake in his gob.
The Training Room
"This VR Interface can train you in various methods of combat almost instantly. Its just like that bit in the matrix when Neo learns kung-fu and stuff." said Eldrad
"Has it even got the big rack of guns like in the bit later on?" asked Del hopefully
"Yup!" Eldrad replied gleefully.
"Yay!" said Del.
"However, to make sure its worked, you must try your new skills against master- like me!" Eldrad informed Del
"Oh, okay lets go!"
The two put on headsets, and there was a faint noise, like a whine, from the computers. Then a ping indicate that download of the information was complete. And the VR testing arena loaded..
"I Know .. A song that'll get on yer nerves, get on yer nerves, get on yer nerves!"
"Oh Grow Up 007!" cried Eldrad
"I Know.. how to cook a chicken? What the? Why are you wearing a Yellow Hat with 'Cooking with Mo' on it?" Del asked fearfully
"ZOIKS! You little buggers, leave my personal disks alone out there!" Eldrad squeaked.
Outside, the tech-priests giggled. They then removed the Disk belonging to Eldrad, entitled 'MSS gags' and replaced it with..
The Lair of the Cultists who wish to revive the Beasts
And now we meet the Bastard behind the threat. We shall not name him yet, as its like Blofelt from James Bond films. You know, he remains faceless until Sean Connerry says he's not going to be Bond anymore. He is viewing a feed from a camera his servants have set up. Its focusing on the disk tray.
"What are they putting in?" he asks no-one
He sees the title of the CD. It says 'Powers of Mass Pokemon Destruction- volume 1 Ink Erasers..'
"Oh god.. We're in trouble now" he says..
"Master, who the hell are you talking to?"
".. Dunno."
Five Hours Later
"What have you learned, Del?" asked Eldrad
"I have learned.. The Powers of Mass pokemon destruction volumes 1- 25, the deadly songs- Hero Variant, the Deadly Songs- Friends song, and the deadly songs, The 'Breaking the Habit' variant. I have learned also to summon daemons and even Bahamut from the Final Fantasy to aid me. I am ready to fight them when you have located my Kill-Team. Och Aye, I learned how to yell VERY LOUDLY!" This was true.
The Emperor knew that the need for the kill-team may be the final hurdle to survival of the 40k universe. And he knew not how many they must find. He also wished he had an Eldar/Scottish-Eldar/English dictionary on hand as he was having difficulty understanding Del.
"4, sir." Del said
"4! Great, then we only need to find -how many-?" the Emperor said
"Great! None down four to.. Aw fu.."

Chapter 4 - The Search for the Kill-Team

A Planet somewhere
The Orks of Ghazghkull Thraka were searching for the kill-team here. But some were forgetful..
"Boss, wot we looking' for?" asked a Nob
"A Kill-Team." Ghazghkull repeated for the thousandth time.
"Wot, like the Grey Knights over there that we should speak to right now, hint hint?"
"No, not like Grey Knights" Ghazghkull then got suspicious. An Ork callin' Silva Smurf Humies by their propa name instand.. Onsata.. straight away? And.. Why woz it speakin' propa? Oh mork, its..
The Traitor-Nob was then possessed by the Greater Pokemon, and the cardboard cut-out of Grey Knights on the hills fell to reveal Pokemon.
"Its an ambush!" Yelled a Nob
The Greater Pokemon had flew into the ranks of its own army almost straight away after its arrival, and so, both armies were set up. Ghazgkull made some last minute changes to his list to have more sluggas and less shootas. The Pokemon seemed happy with theirs. The Dice for first turn rolled.. And the Pokemon won. The Whole poke-army advanced forward six inches, and fired their electrical shocks . A whole squad of sluggas was wiped out in a barrage of epileptic-fit causing light., and one of the six lobbaz the orks had was destroyed.
Undaunted, the Ork first turn began with the 80-odd remaining sluggas marching forth the full six inches, and the trukk boyz went forward all 12 inches, and dismounted within charging range. The Stormboys were nearby to the trukks, as was the battlewagon of Ghazghkull and his Nobz. Then the ork shooting began, surprisingly accurate. Over 100 Pokemon fell, but there were still thousands left. The Charge of da Green Brigade began, and the trukks, stormboyz, and the Warboss himself ran in, cutting pokemon to bitz left right and centre. The section of the Poke-army charged lost the combat, but did not fall back.
Then the Remaining Pokemon advanced, fired once more, wiping out more sluggas, and some charged in to aid their allies attacked by the orks first wave, and the remainder eyed up the orks second wave and the ork shootaz .
The second wave marched forward 6 inches, shot down some pokemon, and then the ork shootaz and lobbaz opened up, again scarily accurately.
The Sluggaz then charged in, and in a pall of dust, screams, smoke, fire, unnerving splats and crunch noises, half the poke-army had fallen. However, the Nobz and the Warboss were forced back, as the sheer weight of enemy numbers wiped the combat waves, and only the Warboss and the shooty elements of the orks remained.
The Pokemon advanced six inches once more, into a few remaining sluggas, defeated them, and sweeping advanced into the shootas.
Ghazgkull then yelled
"Furst Rank! Fia! Second Rank! Fia!" he then saw how close the pokemon were..
They did, sadly, the first shot the pokemon, but the second shot the first rank who had forgotten to get out of the way.. The lobbaz shot everbody, really. And, as the smoke cleared, a huge force of pokemon, outnumbering the orks 3 to one, attacked. However, one stood on Ghazghkull s little 'panic alarm' that the emperor had given him, in case he met some pokemon. But Ghazghkull had forgotten it existed, and had dropped it, hence, a Pokemon stood on it, and activated it.
The Battle Barge space dogz
"Hmm? Great wolf, the orks are in trouble." a space wolf said
"Oh goody, pokemon to kill lets GO!" Cried Grimnar
The Planet
The Space Wolfs dropped in, just in time to see the orks fall back. The Wolf's ran forward, drew their swords, and..
"Wait, just shoot them all! That's why the orks got wiped out- they were in range of the 18", ap 6, str 4 electric shocks- we aren't! " Grimnar yelled.
The space wolves fired, and tore the pokemon army to shreds. This planet was safe, for now. But a commotion over a hill attracted the Allies, who found an Imperial Guard Storm Trooper surrounded by dead pokemon, jumping up and down on the lone survivor yelling..
"AAAAAAAAAIEEE! Diedieididiediedie! " cried Dave, the Stormtrooper. They could tell this was his name, as he had a little badge saying 'hi, my names Dave How may I kill you today?'
"One down.." Grimnar said, and, with the aid of his fingers and some concentration,
"Fou.. No, Three ta go!" Ghazghkull shouted triumphantly.
The Allies told the emperor, who then said 'yay!'

Chapter 5 - Meanwhile, elsewhere.

The Lair of the Cultists who wish to revive the Beasts
"So.. They have defeated my army on that planet the writer's not been bothered to name then.. Damn, and I had money on that." said the Shifty leader of the cult.
"Master.. We could use teleporters to attack Calgar directly." said shifty cult #2
"Yes. Do it. What of our allies?"
"Currently, they are being useless and beardy, as always."
"Yes.. don't you mean cheesy?"
"Nope. Beardy. Makes people question who they are more."
"Beardy implies that they are .. Our mikes are still on."
"Drat! Switch them off!"
The Planet where those NICE cultists live
"So, Lord Calgar, that's all the information you want?"
"Yes.. Oh, wheres the nearest boozer?"
"Try 'The Emperors Shotglass', on the planet of onetequillatwotequillathreetequillafloor. "
"Bit of a mouthful."
"We just call it booze-world."
"Right. Anyway, thank you for the Info about poke-cults, most helpful.. Oh good grief, can't those bloody Ultramarines of mine keep their bolters quiet for five minutes?" Calgar moaned as the Bolter fire began again. The ultramarines had so far, shot twenty-two seagulls, one paper plane and a cloud that 'had looked at us funny, sir'
"Sir! We are under attack!" cried half an ultramarine who came in the door, it was brother Venavusius
"Oh Great.. Not half the kind of 'we're under attack ' message bringer you used to be, Venavusius
"Very Witty sir.. Agh..!" said the Marine as he died.
"Oh well.." said Calgar as he ran out to 'administer a kicking in the name of the Emperor'.
He saw that the leader of the assault was an annoying git who never opened his eyes. Many other mocking writers who are determined to offend instead of amuse resort to childishly calling him blind, but for all we know he could be a Psyker who uses those kind of eyes.. The seemingly Eyeless human leading the assault had what appeared to be a..
"Aw Feck, it's a .. Monty Python!"
The Flying Circus, as it was know, was the most powerful cheap gag in the universe. Capable of decimating armies via having heart attacks from groaning, it was a terrible weapons, almost as bad as the 'tau many' (how many aliens are there in the Damocles gulf? A few Tau many) gag.. It/He also had a large, blunt sword, so as not to appear overtly violent to kiddies. The Ultramarines arrayed for the Battle, as did the enemy
First Turn went to the Ultramarines, who promptly blasted the smeg out the poke-front line. The Warriors of Ultramar used an Ozzy Osbourne CD to cause the delicate ears of the Poke-Cultists to explode, the cultists more used to Westlife and Dance music.
The Poke first turn was less than eventful. They only marched forward, however, a group of poke-cultists drove the 4th tactical squad mad with beeping from their Game Boys.
Second Turn of the ultramarines, and the Terminators teleported in. Sadly, they were the crappy plastic ones, so had very limited movement. Yet another mass of Pokemon and Cultists fell to the bolters. The terminators and assault marines charged, but sadly the poorly-drawn cards of the poke-fans chopped them to bits.
The poke-turn 2 saw a huge mob of pikachus electrocute the veterans to death, and the 5th tacticals tore their eyes out as another squad of pikachus acted cute. Suddenly, the Evil cultists fired a barrage of crap music from their Portable CD players into the ultramarine ranks, and the devastators were wiped out in a wave of poorly-done Irish-accented miming .
Ultramarine turn 3 saw a shock- the second kill-team member deep-striked in on swooping hawk wings, and Plasma Grenaded half the poke army. It then charged the Man with the Closed eyes, and tore his head off. The Poke army, minus its leader, reached its 25% phase out, and did so.
MadMan 40k then landed in front of Calgar
The Emperor was again told. He again said 'Yay!' then saw they had only 24 hours to find the remaining two.
"Can I say 'Yay' again?"
"You're the boss, sir."

Chapter 6 - Keifer Sutherland and Kais, eat yer hearts out!

The following takes place between 12:00am and 1-ish. Our watches stopped.
The Imperial Intellegence Office, Terra
Imperial Intel had a few documents regarding the events of yesterday. The emperor read them.
"The Man with the Closed eyes was confirmed as a leader of the Inner circle of the Cult, and his body was positively identified by Inquisitor Iknowwhoyouarebyraway.." the first said. The second stated
"The Orks have suffered greatly from the ambush, and are awaiting reinforcements."
The troops would arrive within the hour. The final one stated how a large poke-army, aided by the tellytubbies, had attacked a jungle world. The Kill-Team was on its way there, as they were confident that the third member of the team was there
That Jungle World (Mebackgarden )
Sadly for the large group of Catachans and Chaos Marines who went, they merely stumbled Into a predator rip-off. And Jack Bauer's plane crashed. And Mason got pi$$ed off as they were wasting resources to find Kim instead of the Bomb while he was dying of radiation poi. oh wait, that's actually 24, series 2, about midway
Anyway.. Abaddon was waving the Talon of Horus about at something.
"Ghaa. That Bloody Bluebottle! Must he torment me always?" He moaned
"Sir, don't swear, we have to post this on the forums!" An Aspiring Chimpanzee cried.
"No, look at it, its covered in Blood." An Aspiring Senator said
"Why?" asked a Chaos Marine. Suddenly, 3 red dots in a triangle appeared on his head, and his head then disappeared in a ball of plasma, and the smell of burnt toast.
As one, the entire chaos army without nametags yelled, screamed, ran around panicking, and, in one case, mused how his cats breath smelt like cat food. One even started to shoot the trees randomly. To Abaddons surprise, the Predator/Pokemon (who for narrative convenience we shall call a PreadaPoke[NB we have to avoid ending its name with 'Mon' as that would be switching targets from the cheap crap that started this to rip-off of the cheap crap that started this that eventually ended this so I suppose we should thank it. And I've offended too many Multi-National companies with their own MP's and/or Lords to be safe for one day, thank you very much.. Ahem, where was I? Oh yeah..) then fell dead.
"How did you get it? It was invisible?"
"Well, sir, I just used the thermal goggles to see him, then I threw some chaff grenades to scramble his systems and smacked him one."
After a search of the planet, they found no intelligent life ,living or dead. But they did find a Starbucks and some Conservative Party Members
Meanwhile, On Macragge.
Calgar was drunk. You could tell because he was wearing a dress and wandering around the Fortress of Hera singing 'A song that will get on your nerves.' then he opened up the stasis chamber.
"What do you mean, he opened the stasis chamber? I got an adept to tell him not to!" The Emperor Moaned
"Well, my lord.." Uriel Ventris said on the other end of the phone "Johnny Nae Stars from McDonalds had to stand in as the adept was off with nurgles ingrown toenail, and he rather typically managed to feck up your orders, sir."
Back on Macragge
Robute 'Bob' Guilliman stepped out of the stasis chamber, and did say
"Ya Buggers. You might have woke me up for Tom and Jerry!"
Meanwhile, a Scout was having Imperial religion explained to him by the chaplain.
"The Emperor, and the Primarch, move in mysterious ways, brother-scout!"
The scout glanced at the primarch, who was staggering around attempting to brush his teeth with shower gel, and had thera-med on his hair.
"yes, very mysterious, brother-chaplain.. Is it alcohol-related?"
".. do I have all the answers?"
"you're a HQ choice, you bloody well should!"
"So, scout, if you don't want to have a brief-yet-successful career as a moving target, I would suggest shutting the smeg up."
Meanwhile, In Necronville
The Necrons shambled along, occasionally giving a scream as another IRQ conflict disabled them, or Internet Explorer crashed. Some were content to sit playing sim city or Delta Force, but the rest tried complex actions, resulting in crashes. Nightbringer looked out of his window at the shambling masses of bug-riddled necrons.
"So.. You say you have an operating System that does not Crash, Mr, er,"
"Call me 'Master'" said the Master
".. I'll call you Er, actually. Cos if I called you your real name, they would figure it out, wouldn't they? Factory Floor and Tau Online members are not that dumb. Except Del, of course."
"Err, he's writing this, so he could do anything to us!"
"Oh Yeah. Narrative Perks."

Chapter 7 - The Bum of all Fears

"Poke Army composition- over 10 billion pokemon, 5 billion cultists, millions of tanks, thousands of jets, 50 Nuclear Bombs, 5 senators, 3 Representatives, 9 Mps, 2 MSP's, and some welsh people from their assembly what do you call them again?" the minister of doom and destruction proclaimed/asked.
".. Don't Care. Anyway, why aren't we using EO , TO, and Factory Floor members upon them? Kijayle could whisk em, Wargamer could codex them to death, Steamboat Willy could gun them down, Willkarrde could drive them mad or answer their insane questions, Iyandes could mind war them , Bloodied Fangs could set his space wolves on them, Grim Squeaker could be the death of electric rats, Goldfish could, er, drown them, DuFFMaN could kill them with alcohol poisoning, Wingednothing could use her factory floor avatar to frighten them since that little beggar did help wipe them out, as could Edex and The Might Pika.. Oh, no, hes on theirs, isn't he? " The Emperor said "And any other members who could harm the enemy, point them out to me now!"
Meanwhile, in a squat reservation
Whilst digging, the now-defunct Space Dwarves, found mysterious stone, that had eldar writing on it.
Five Minutes later, an eldar read it and proclaimed
"This stone indicates that theres weapons buried under here, designed to wipe out any animal by constantly putting it on TV wildlife shows giving hunters a good idea of whats rare and therefore valuable. 2 Australians.. They also are buried with a weapon of great power, to be given to a champion of anti-pokemonness , not just for killing pokemon, but for killing all evil. To release it, press here." they did so, and the case was.. Empty. At this point, the eldar bloke began his curse that rang out across the mountains.
Meanwhile, a lone hermit on Mordia (the governor) said "That was the loudest profanity I've ever heard"
After some digging, they found Rolf Harris and Steve Irwin cryogenically frozen with wobble boards, Digeridoos, barbecues, those little xylophone things you played by connecting the electric circuit, Jakes the Pegs extra leg, and those hats with corks in them
"Can you guess what it is yet? Yes, its two ozzies trying to kill Pikachu!" said Rolf
On Terra, The emperor was informed that these two loonies could, between them form one sane person. So counted as part of the kill-team. He said 'yay' as usual.
Necron warriors quickly overwhelmed Bill Gates the 42nd's private Moleman army, and entered the building to find the cryogenically frozen remains of SONY PANASONIC KRYSLER FORD WWE THQ ROCKSTAR KONAMI Canada* AOL Time Warner, and Fox and all the usual suspects. In 20,000, Microsoft successfully bought up every company on Earth . Square-Enix still wouldn't sell mind you. anyway, they unfroze them, and soon, they were working on looking throught the many , many files containing the rights to numerous TV shows and franchises
"Are you sure about this? Remember what happened last time." asked a figure in the dark
"Relax. We can control them all now, instead of having the occasional one ready to go off like a loose cannon, and shift our show to 7:00 in the morning by taking the Kiddies TV prime time of 8:00 AM.."
".when the hell did that happen?" Asked Nightbringer
"It Didn't.. it was M.A.D theory- Mutually Assured Destruction- , like .. A worst-case scenario that never came to pass.."
"Like another Britney Spears film?"
"Or a version of Windows that was bug-free?"
"You have the concept.. Now let it go.."
Sadly, Nightbringer, having been sealed up inside a monolith thingy for Six Million Years watching only repeats of Crossroads, Eastenders, and an episode of the
Simpson's he's seen hundreds of times before but still giggles insanely at it when Groundskeeper Willy says 'I 'ate the mess he left on ma carpet too!', did not have much of an imagination, so kept going for an hour.
Factory Floor
"Here, Guys. You think that sword Bushidos got could be the secret anti-pokemon weapon?" asked erebus as a poke-bit flew past his ear.
Wargamer fixed a few post counts for word association , looked, and said
".. Maybe."
Iyandes and Grim Squeaker agreed also. So they prised the sword away from Bushido and gave him a nice new Katana.
*BUY CANADA was a no 3 hit in 2037 for the then decrepit and tina-turner-like Beyonce Knowles . Note that the real tina turner was still alive due to unknown reasons. Perhaps she drank embalming fluid...

Chapter 8 - Final Fantasy my A**e!

"..Please?" asked the POKE-CORP lawyer attempting to buy Square-Enix
"Nope." said the owner
The lawyer looked nervously at the wrecked necrons, smashed-up monoliths, and dead pokemon from their failed hostile takeover bid a few minutes before. Squalls Ultima, Rydias Bahamut , Yuna's Yojimbo, Clouds Knights of The Round and Zidane's Trance. Nuff Said. But it made good TV.. And perhaps a nice battle report.
Turn One-Squenix defence force.
Squall, Yuna, Rydia, Cloud, and Zidane killed them all except one little Pikachu.
"Damn you all to hell!" cried the Lawyer
"Up yours, you son of a submariner!" yelled Kefka
"BOSS!" yelled the lawyer. His CO appeared. "Set the ITV stuff on them!"
Up popped Carol Smilie, and many, many British TV celebrities. As the crew of 'Pets Rebuild Houses' began to demolish squenix HQ, the defence force charged. Sadly Henno Garvie and his SAS team from 'Ultimate Force' gunned them all down, and as Chris Tarrant advanced .
"Squenix, this question is for a million lives. Will you sell up?
A)- no B)-yes C)- maybe or D)- Never!. Remember, you can ask the audience."
Suddenly, Anne Robinson appeared.
"Not on your Nelly, Tarrant!" she hefted her Missile launcher
"You are the weakest link. Now die.."
The missile flew, into the gaping jaws of a CITV presenter.
"Drat!" she cried. "SET BBC 3 on them!!"
Jack Bauer, Tom Quinn from spooks, and Angry Kid attacked. As ITV and BBC fought, the Poke-Command HQ ordered its latest acquisitions into battle. As a whole host of kiddies anime characters descended upon the small BBC task force, the men and women from Auntie BEEB realised their error, and fell back..
Soon, the Head of the Poke-Cult laughed maniacally as he found where the largest source of power capable of reviving his full franchise was.
Then he got Nightbringer, and yelled in his ear.
"Sorry, Master!"
Meanwhile, a spy reported that half the poke-army was gone. The emperor looked at the clock. 12 hours left, and 1 kill-team member to find. But Where?
That squat reservation
"Look, sirs, this stone also shows the location of the fourth Kill Team member!" said a sqaut. Then the necrons attacked. The squats were dying in their masses, until.. The four kill-teamers- Del, MadMan 40K, Dave the storm trooper, Steve 'n' Rolf- attacked the necrons in turn. However, the shooting vapourised the unidentified objects aiding the necrons. They attacked the necrons attempting to destroy the stoen, and arrived in time to find that it had been taken to Giant Crab Island, in the pokemon dimension. As they examined the charred, unidentified corpses, they noticed an aeroplane. So they borrowed it.. But first.
"No wonder the necrons didn't crash!" gasped MadMan 40K. "They're AppleNecs!"
"Apple? Not Microsoft Windows NECSp?" Del asked.
Giant Crab Island
The Poke-Army had the stone, and were awaiting a large ion cannon to blow it up with. But with all the ferocity of a maddened shrew with the cold, the kill-team attacked.
Gunfire, sirens, screams, and yelling filled the air, as the Giant crabs of the island joined in the attack, aiming for the poke-army.
Suddenly, a Ninja attacked, and cut a guardsman in half.
"I am.. The Ginja Ninja!" it said.
"Hmm. A Ninja. BUSHIDO!"
"AAAAAIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!" cried the katana-weilding bushido, who minced up the Ginja Ninja in seconds, leaving nothing but a bad smell.
The Allies then retook the stone, and ion cannoned the enemy surviving.
"Its says the last Kill-Team members on Naogeddon! Enemy territory!"
Del waved his anti-poke sword about.
"Lets go!"
As the Allies attacked, the necrons awoke their new allies. Numerous other kiddies anime favourites then attacked the allies. The Eldar soon eliminated the human enemies, and the Cheezewatch took care of everything else. But there was one very good joke to be stolen.

Chapter 9 - Treachery

"I blinkin' knew it! They were associated with Necrons! CHEAP B*ST*RDS!" cried Dave, as he Lasgunned some random Digimon. There's only so much a sane person can research into okay? And besides, wargamer helped out in 'space marine commandments in common room, Factory Floor.. Jack Hughes, whoever the hell he is..'
"Joke klepto'ed from a Space Marines commandments gag somewhere on the internet!" MadMan 40K pointed out as he chopped up the pink thingy from Dragonball Z that someone on EO keeps telling everyone that it (the pink thing) loves everybody. EO's an amazing source for anime related cr*p.
A "fear", a kinda-not-really fear-in-fact-its-closer-to-a-wish of the Emperors was that it wasn't just Pokemon making a comeback. In fact, the various rip-offs and cash-ins that had popped up soon after (and still had been pulverised by the USAF and RAF in 2006) would also return. It was a wish, for two reasons. A)- It was a great excuse to whack the annoying Dinosaurs of many of them and B)-remember what happened in 2000/2006!
And, in annoying plot loop, Del completely ignored the usual suspects for the remainder of the story. Possibly for a follow-up story.
Meanwhile, the Beeb launched an all-out assault on the ITV stronghold. Henno gunned done River City stars here, there, and everywhere, but an eastenders character attacked him, and said
"Henno.. Ah'm yer bruva!"
DUM, DUM, DUM DUM de-dud-de-doo-dum! (hum the eastenders theme if you know it!)
Meanwhile, Lisa and Dennis went gun crazy, shooting every enemy in sight. But eventually the ITV team was sent to a mid-afternoon slot.
In the Hard Drive of Naogeddon, Necrons attacked the allies from all sides as the aroma of burning cheese rose from smouldering necron wreckage. They could not reform, as Inquisitorial hackers had deleted the main lines of the program that controlled this function.
Eventually, low on jokes, the Kill-Team found the last kill-team member. A robot kiling all other robots. It was Wee Mad Necron Mick Windows 40,000 version.
With only a few Pokemon, Poke-Cultist, and others alive, the remaining necrons shut down and allowed the bulk of allied troops to land, and surround the last strognhold of the Poke-Corp.
"we have no choice.. Attempt to detonate the story bomb!"
"But, master, that will mix up this story with another for a brief while!"
"DO IT!"
As the bomb went off, this story and another on my HDD go mixed uPrologue
Los Angeles, 1995, a top secret lab.
The two scientists locked up Igor for the night, and sWith each other, and the whole story soon descended into stupidity for a few seconds, until del hacked the Naogeddon Matrix, and DELeted its effects.
The Kill-Team, fully assembled, and running low on time and bubblegum, charged into the last stronghold..

Chapter 10 - We Meet at last Mr Del.

The Kill-Team ran into the base, killing pokemon and other cr*p left right and centre. Eventually, they entered a darkend room..with a tall bullet proof chair thingy in it.
"We meet at last.. Mr Del." the chair spun round, and the person in it was stroking a pikachu
"Right, you in the chair!" yelled Del.
"Don't you know my name?"
".. No, poor Intel." Del growled at the CIA
"Sorry!" said Jack Ryan. "But I'm the president now! Blame the Foleys, or RAINBOW! Yeah, send for Kelly!"
"Yessir Mr President!"
"My name is Ash." continued the figure, not battign an eyelid an the appearance of POTUS and co.
"Ashhole? As in Ashley Hole? Hole Ashley? Hash?" Dave burbled away
". close enough. Anyway, lets fight!" said the renamed Marijuana-man
"Oi, twitticus autisticus, I've got a bolter, and you have a rat and five juggling balls." Del pointed out
"Is that like Chicken Balls?" mused wee mad necron mick
"Ghaaa! No!"
"I could do with a Chinese takeaway!" dave mused
"Nah, a Barbie, mate!!" Steve and Rolf both said.
"Pikachu!" yelled Hash "I choose you"
"er, Bolter, um.. Kill!" Del said
The winner, of course, went dakka!
"Oh .. Drat!"
"Forgot to swear in the dubbing?"
"You know, if we just said the f-word once, we would have been respectable!" Hash wailed
"Fred Durst said it over 200 times, and everybody hates him!" MadMan 40K pointed out
"Good Point. Next Juggling ba.. Oh My God what am I saying?"
"How about AAAAAAARGH?" said Del, as he picked up a swiss army Chainsaw
"Now, this idea was inspired by Kijayle ,Queen of Exquiste death, and all those other evil people with whisks and kitchen equipment used for the wrong purpose, obviously, but its got more features than an egg-whisk. Also, its not ,as such, a torture weapon. That's what the toasters for..sadly, it needs batteries." WMNM mused, as the slice 'n' dice setting was initiated upon Hash's head
"Setting five- cream whip mode" the Chainsaw AI said
"Setting 10- Apocalaypse Mince!"
At that, the headless corpse of Hash fell to the floor.
"MUCH more stylish than flushing him down the bog!" agreed Steve and Rolf
"Universe saved!" pointed out Del. Then they all went for a Chinese takeaway.
The star was dying. Poor sales mean that this newspaper was doomed, but, if it wasn't for the black, ghostly shape in the editors chair, it might have lived longer. Nightbringer cursed his poor new job, and wondered if he could work in Burger King..
Del and his kill-team returned to their previous jobs. The 40K universe soon covered up the secret war, and life resumed as normal, ignorant of the conflict that over 48 hours , had threatened to screw the rules up in a way even Gav Thorpe and Andy Chambers in co-operation couldn't have done. But just because they were all dead didn't mean it was over.
Meanwhile, on Terra..
The Emperor was going for a bag of crisps, when suddenly, out popped a blue clothed figure. The Emperor recognised him in a few minutes.
"Del killed you!" The Emperor pointed out.
"Ah, yes, Del did kill Hash the Red. I am Hash the Blue! I have returned from the dead!"
"So what happens if I do this?" The Emperor shot him dead.
"I'm now Hash the Silver!"
"You can't keep coming back cos you're a different colour!"
"Oh yes I can, matey, and I've got a whole dulux colour chart to choose from!"
"Hash the Gold"
"Hash the Pink with yellow polka-dots!"
this is going to be a long day. thought the emperor.
CREDITS- Farseer Del as Himself. The Emperor played by Hank McFlank, MadMan as Himself, Marneus Calgar played by Ivor Daftname , nice Cult Leader played by Tommy Vercetti, Dave played by David Mactavish, Eldrad Ulthran played by Johan Van Der Smutt, Panicky man in minefield played by Wee Bo, 'Big Gaz Thraka' as himself, The Ginja Ninja played by Gingo Red, Nightbringer played by Hugh Jarse-Hole, Steve Irwin played by himself, everybody else played by people we got off the street . Except Abaddon, he played himself to. As did his bluebottle.
Directed by a compass and a National Ordinance Survey Map.
This story was fictional. Any resemblance by characters and the actions herein to real events or people living, dead, or spread over a 20km radius is probably deliberate.
Especially the decision to switch targets after all, even if only for one joke. I stand by my decision to do this. History will forgive us.. Saddam posed a real and growing threat.
This Story has been rated 15 by The World Inquisitorial Team (satire division) (TWITS).

Authors Note

Now that the (apparently) COMICAL elements of the story are finished, here's the only serious bit.
The real reason this came about was in fact inspired by the very diorama mentioned in chapter 2. That story was similar, but more vaired in the fact that it targeted all poor anime. This one was out to target an entire franchise, disliked by many, but liked by some. This entire sotry was no more than a joke, and you should remember that the cold, unfeeling slaughter of something in a story is not cool. There would be no way to do a 'serious' 40k versus. story, as the entire idea was to even get the most diehard fans of pokemon giggle occasionaly reading the story.
In the foreword , I mentioned how on fansites, all I found was inane crap. This is false. I didn't even go to any fansites, and, they probably have some good things on them.
One thing I did find was plain unfunny stuff that mindlessly killed things left right and centre, often without any major reasoning. Writing a comical story's an art form. (and I failed art.) I'm still not sure what a fan of these things would say. Mainly as I haven't yet shown it to anyone on EO as TheMightyPikachu would ever so slightly kill me dead.
But hey, I'm feeling suicidal so what they heck?
The story was not actually intended to offend, but it doubtlessly will.
If you wish to write something about anime characters getting their own back, go ahead, I wont mind you using any of my characters.
And, one last thing. Heres a list of all the things definetly ripped off, mentioned or mocked by this story
-Warhammer 40,000 (obviously)
-Pokemon (obviously)
-The Simpsons
-The Cold War
-The Gulf War
-Action Man
-Harry Potter
-Dragonball Z
-Monster Rancher
-Fox TV,
-AOL Time Warner
-The Lord of The Rings
-The Internet
-Lenny Henry
-Many 40k jokes -too many to count-
-The Matrix
-Crusade, the Madness 2
-those beer adverts for the one they only let you drink when its ready.
-South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
- http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com
-James Bond
-a T-Shirt
-Monty Pythons' Flying Circus
-Bottom Live 2001: An Arse Oddity
-The Sum Of All Fears
-Factory Floor
-Steve Irwin
-Rolf Harris
-Britney Spears
-Final Fantasy
-BBC Television
-Independent Television
-The Weakest Link
-Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
-Ultimate Force
-Angry Kid
-Live Floor Show
-'Allo 'Allo
-Inspector Gadget
-Executive Orders
-Rainbow Six
-Without Remorse
-The CIA
-Apocalypse Now
-Fred Durst
-The Daily Star
-Tony Blair

40k vs. Pokemon- the DELeted scenes!

These deleted scenes were found on the cuuting room folder of Dels Hard Drive by a determined hacker. She can no longer speak. As it was Del's cat who found them, and she couldn't speak in the first place.
40k vs. Pokemon- the DELeted scenes!
In an inquisitorial fortress somewhere in the Ultima Segmentum..
Shadowy figures are preparing to view a vid-disc containing 'deleted' scenes from 40k vs. pokemon, including errors, mistakes and scenes that were not approved for the final cut. Meanwhile, Interrogators and acolytes frantically remove the maps and signs saying 'Thalasa Prime' down off the walls..
The youngest inquisitor, who, by default is the only one who thinks he can get it to work, attempts to do so. Eventually, he gives up, and the oldest gets it working instantly. They sit and watch.
[00.00-01.00]- an advert for the new Terminator film- Terminator 3567- Cyborgs on Holiday in the Cadian Sector.
[[01.01-02.34]-Scene 1-Eldrad and Del are ripping off the matrix. Namely, the bit where Neo and Morpheus fight in a training program.
"Stop trying to hit me and hit me!"says Eldrad.
"Okay!" says del
*THAWCK THUD THUNK!*(Eldrad is beaten about for a minute or so)
"Stop hitting me and try to hit me instead, pleease!"
*Thwack! Thud!*
[02.35-04.56]-Scene 2- the man runs into the bunker, but grabs a BOLTER, not a codex, and machine guns pikachu.
"You bl**dy fool!" the director screams
Take 2- runs into bunker, grabs lascannon. Shoots pikachu
"Oh for gods sake, the CODEX! PICK THE DAMN CODEX UP!"
Take 3- he grabs the codex.. And fashions a paper knife from it and stabs the pikachu to death.
"Why me?" asks the director
[04.47-04.56]-Scene 3-Pokemon and Ork armies stand around for a few minutes. Director yells.
"Oh we iz on?" ask the orks.
[04.57-6.10]-Scene 4- Gaz thraka begins"I ain't seen dem boss!" it moaned. It was shown the images.
"Hmm. Da thurd wunz like a butterbye."
"You mean a flutterbye?"
"Bugga dats wrong!"
"YOU A**ES!" cries the director.
[10.01- author has grown bored of this gimmick]-scene 5-
Scene 6-Hash stands in a building, awaiting the kill-team (not 'waiting', more 'fearing') suddenly, a noise behind him.
"KILL!" he commands his pokemon, but the source of the noise is.. Himself.
"Who the hell are you?!" he retorts. The Pokemon resort to smoking cigars.
"You from the future, here with a dire message of things to come!" the Hash from the future says
Del pops out an air vent "And its got f-all tae dae wi me."
"Eh?" ask both
"Never mind." Del then buggers off. The pokemon then watch TV
"Anyway, im here to tell you- my career has suffered so badly, I'm forced to do another pokemon film!! For gods sake, get the artists some drawing lessons, don't do any more pokemon films, and dont sign up for any more madness stories!"
Another noise
"Too late, I'm the hash from Pokemon 15- Monsters in Miami. I'm here to beg you- get the artists some drawing lessons, don't do any more pokemon films, and dont sign up for any more madness stories!" The Pokemon are now shooting smily faces into the roof.
And another
"Too late, I'm the Hash from Pokemon 56. For gods sake, they revived me from the dead to make money, don't do anymore pokemon films, and especially no more madness stories!"
Mewtwo realsies the implicatiosn this has upon his plot to be the fifth C'Tan.
"MUST STOP POKEMON MOVIES!" and he shoots Hash.
All the Hashes dissapear. Then another appears and adresses the Megalomaniacla Mewtwo
"Good news guys. No more madness stories or Pokemon sequels in the future I'm from. Bad news- we're all extras on the fifty-fith dragon ball z film!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cries Mewtwo.
[End DVD.]

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Assessment of the Tau EmpireWargamer20th Dec 09Current rating for this item: 2.5 stars
2.5 stars
Commander FarsightOxiotle20th Dec 09Current rating for this item: Not rated
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Eldar Versus KhorneTau-killer20th Dec 09Current rating for this item: Not rated
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Conversion Guide: Coverting a Valkyrie to a Vendetta Aunny20th Dec 09Current rating for this item: 4 stars
4 stars
Tau'Va Tel'OshiWargamer20th Dec 09Current rating for this item: 1 stars
1 stars
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